Week 3-Weakness

Monday morning, rise and shine, on week 3 was not so sunny. I was not feeling it at all, my body was tired and I felt incredibly weak. The days past and it was not getting any better and I felt guilty. I knew that I had this week and one more, and not being able to perform the way I had been in the previous 2 weeks was really pissing me off. I was trying, really I was trying, but my body was screaming at me telling me to stop, telling me to rest, telling me NO MORE. What’s worse is that one of my trainers kept telling me that week 3 should be the best week, well hell I thought, I must not be strong enough because it was the worst week. I know that the trainer wanted to keep my spirits high but it was not working.  Luckily for me I had some incredible counterparts that encouraged me to rest and that week 3 may not actually be the best week or the most powerful week, but rather the week that my body was tested to the limits and needed to rest.

For the first time since I have been at the retreat, I finally said no to activities. I did not participate in our Friday activities. Thursday night I would walk from my bed to the bathroom, maybe a total of 10 feet, and felt like my legs were going to buckle underneath me. I wanted to dip my body in ice and try to numb the pain. The pain was not the pain that you get from a hard leg day or even sore muscle but rather it was a pain that went to the depths of my bones. It was a pain that I’ve never experienced before. I didn’t want to walk or move. Electrolytes, an iron supplement, and rest was what the doctor ordered. The weekend was light and I prayed that Monday morning on my last week at the retreat would indeed be my power week. I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to give up, I didn’t want to be injured but I knew that part of my overall good health is to rest when you need it, when you really need it. I needed it.

The lesson that I learned from experiencing this week was that part of self love and self care is resting. Rest is just as important as pushing yourself harder and harder in the gym. Rest is healing to get your maximum results. I was glad that I stood up for myself and said no. I finally listened to my body and it was worth it!




I Am Stronger Than My Thoughts!

Week 2: I am Stronger than my Thoughts

Week 2 was amazing! Got on the scale Monday morning for our first week progress report, nothing moved…Yup I didn’t lose any weight on the scale, I was so confused because my Polar heart rate monitor is saying I’m averaging 3000-3200 calories burned each day and I’m only consuming 1500 calories, sooooo, something should have happened, right? Then we did the body fat and the hydration levels. According to the trainer after doing all kinds of math that I won’t even attempt to figure out, stated that I actually lost 2.5 pounds of fat-pure fat. She equates that to 10 sticks of butter!! UMM gross, have you ever took a stick of butter and melted it? Try doing that with 10 sticks of butter and you get my nastiness. Still I was confused, where did my sticks of butter go? Seriously did they evaporate? I’m not having an abundance of bathroom breaks if you know what I mean Funny-Babies-Pictures-2.

I have to change my mindset. I have to remember that muscle is heavier than fat. One of the gals in the group with me was here before for the same amount of time, 4 weeks. She said the same thing happened to her, the first 2 weeks nothing happened on the scale and then the last 2 weeks it all caught up leaving her with 20 pounds lost. That is pretty spectacular and I’m hoping I can have similar results; however, I cannot compare.

What made this week so amazing is that I am so much stronger than I was last week. In one week my endurance levels increased quite a bit, I was able to do a couple of real burpees (my nemeses), run up the stairs (maybe a slight jog), and so much more. Every activity I did this week was so much better. I am extremely proud and realized that I am stronger than my thoughts. I knew what was to be expected this week so mentally I was prepared and blasted through my results.

My lesson for this week has been that my thoughts truly affect everything. Thinking I can’t do it creates the can’t in your body. Thinking I can do it, creates the can in your body and the endurance. Our thoughts affect us more than we could ever imagine. Simply saying, I’m too tired allows us to be too tired to do anything. I’m not good enough allows us to not be good enough. Our thoughts dictate everything and I am sick of thinking I can’t do anything and I’m sick of saying I’m too busy or too tired. While those may be true because of life’s circumstances, you will be surprised at how strong your body really is. I AM STRONGER THAN MY THOUGHTS.

Here’s the thing, when you have the habit of negative self talk it is hard as hell to talk positive to your self but one thought can lead to two and so forth, so make it a positive one that actually refines who you are.

To Refine my thoughts, I am going to write out three positives about myself and/or my capabilities each day, recite them over and over to myself for 5 minutes. Not so bad right? I may look ridiculous to my family who may walk in on me while I am saying, “I am powerful, I am strong, I am beautiful”. But that’s okay, because my positive thoughts and self-love that I’m creating in my life will redesign my life to be what I want and I will be able to love more deeply because I will have loved myself too.

Self love is not conceited nor is it selfish, it’s necessary.



The Funniest thing so far…

It was the start of an amazing day. The group was headed to the mountains to spend the day at a ski resort and spa. We were given a sheet of services for this spa during the week so everything would be scheduled for our day of relaxation.

The drive was easy going, I could feel the air get thinner as we climbed the mountain. We arrived at the beautiful SnowBird Ski Resort. The snow was still capping the neverending mountains straight up into the sky. The air was crisp and clean, truly it was a site to see.

We began our day with yoga and off to enjoy the vast amenities of the spa. I fell asleep in the lounge room awaiting my cranial therapy (head massage). The ski resort was a bit pricey so I thought the cranial therapy sounded just fine, it was a bit cheaper and I had never had a full 50 minutes devoted to my head. I hold most of stress in my neck and shoulders anyway so I figured this could be a wonderful treat.


Finally, my massage therapist calls my name, oh let the bliss begin! The masseuse Mary, engaged in conversation asking me if I had ever done this before and how I was. I told her, no but couldn’t wait to get my head massaged. A funny look came over her face as I said that, but I didn’t pay much attention to that and she didn’t elaborate. As we enter the room she asked me if I were wearing any clothing underneath the robe the Spa had given me. I thought that question was rather odd considering you are given the robe because you are naked or close to. With that question I was feeling a little weird and began to tell her no I was not wearing any clothing. An awkward response of, “well, I guess you can lay under the sheets then”. At this point I’m feeling very awkward like what the heck is wrong with this lady. Mary proceeded to pat me down while under the sheets, just tap tap tappity tap, a little tug on the feet and then, I felt it. She put her entire arm under my bum-yes bare bum and pressed down onto my pelvis with the other hand just slightly. surprised

“Excuse me Mary, can you tell me a little about your practice?”, Mary spoke, ” I am moving the energy up through your spine from your sacral”. “Um, Mary I just wanted my head massaged, isn’t this the cranial therapy?”, “Yes it is, but it’s called Cranial Sacral therapy”. Yup, I had NO clue what I was actually getting. Talk about awkward and I think she felt a little bad as well because she offered to rub my head a little before I left.

Have you ever in your life done anything like this? Really? Don’t get me wrong or anything, Once I realized the energy through my ass would have to come up through my neck and out of my head, I could relax a little. It was the funniest thing I have ever experienced. The life lesson in this is to always find out exactly what you are getting or you will be getting more than you bargained for!


I Barely Made It! Week 1

workout (1)I’m tempted to just post this awesome picture. This just about sums up my entire first week at my Health Retreat. Not only did I look like this from my workouts but I managed to also do this…01-CoverNo, I’m not kidding. Our group had just finished a hard workout and after stretching one of the trainers asks us to get a little personal for a second. She asks, “what is one thing over the week that made an impression on you and what are you most proud of about yourself from the week?” I began my sentence with, “my knee really hurts, but…waaaawaaa” Yes, that is my attempt at describing my mumbling and blustering words! I do not know what the heck happened I just started to cry. I think you’re body gets to a point where you are so exhausted, you are so amazed at what you actually accomplished, and you are transforming every part of your body that you simply cannot control your emotions, it’s almost cleansing. Psychologically it happens and thank goodness I’m not the only one.

I have been dealing with a tender knee. I’ve had an issue with my knee for over 10 years now. It hasn’t been so serious that I’ve ever actually gone to the doctor but occasionally it will start to hurt. Of course with all of the impact from the intense 6 hour workouts, it has flared up. I’m very bummed out about it because I want to push to my max everyday and not have an excuse to slack, I want to have the best results that I possibly can have by the time I leave in 3 more weeks. So despite the pain, I have tried to push through it, although not always successfully, I have done well. I went to a physical therapist while here and he worked my muscles around my knee so the pressure would be released, somewhat. My goal is to continue to stretch it out and foam roll. (If you haven’t foam rolled after leg day do it! It hurts but it’s soo good afterward. I wouldn’t be able to stand after our workouts if I didn’t have that).

Part of our retreat is seeing a life coach once a week. My life coach is a licensed Psychologist who specializes in Trauma patients, anyone from abuse victims to those with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). When she mentioned trauma to me, I was thinking, I’ve never had major trauma so….not sure I’m an ideal patient for her…My thoughts were seeing a life coach would be cool so that I can have some tools to implement all that I’m learning when I get home. Apparently I was wrong, not surprising huh?! After giving her the summary of my life, good and bad yet vague she assessed that I was indeed a trauma patient based on my past. Mind you, I’ve seen therapists and psychologists before because of my past and feel 100% okay and have accepted that the things happened and I have the power to change the now. I even told her, I’m over it, it’s okay…she said that what she sees in me is that I have the ability to clinically state my past but she can tell that I never truly dealt with it. Interesting cause I feel fine. I will let you know how it goes over the next few weeks with her.

I will tell my story in another page as we go along because Refining and Redesigning is about total acceptance and transformation of your life. The things that happened in my past are a part of who I am and by accepting and acknowledging our lives in it’s full context, we will be able to truly see who we want to be thus Refining ourselves and then we can make a conscience effort to Redesign our lives to live the way that suits who we truly are and truly want to be.



I knew but I didn’t really know.

Day 2, which was technically day 1 of my fitness retreat, was so long and exhausting that I didn’t want to write, or think, or move. I fell asleep at 7:30 pm so I’m combining both day 2 and 3 into this post.

The first day of the retreat was exciting and I was ready. We all had to meet to go to The Gym (literally that is the name of the gym) at 5:55 am.  First day, I was up an at’em, popped right up as soon as my alarm went off. I knew what was in store for us, because, well, they gave us a friggin calendar, BUT I didn’t really know what was in store for us. Imagine looking down at your watch that tracks calories burned and time in motion at 12:30 pm and you see 2430 calories burned in 6 hours and 30 minutes! I literally rubbed the screen of my watch; I couldn’t believe what I was looking at AND that was only at 12:30 pm when we were having lunch, I burned another 1000 calories taking a hike and doing an hour and half of yoga. So basically, if I didn’t eat anything yesterday I would have lost 1 pound. It takes 3500 calories burned to burn 1 pound.

Today, was not so gun-ho for me. I woke up feeling good, a bit sore, but good. I met everyone at the gym and once we began our workouts I started to have remorse. I didn’t understand why I was doing this to myself, this was so freaking hard, who works out like this, why one more round, oh no not 3 flights of stairs! I just want a taco! Yes, my inner fat child was screaming at me all day. Those that have been here longer than I or are a return client kept telling me that “there is only 1 first week” and that week 1 is the hardest. I knew what I was about to get into, but I didn’t really know!

My honesty is out there, this is  tough! I know I must keep my head up and keep pushing along. Staying positive is hard to do for myself, but wouldn’t you know it, on my hike today I was walking with another gal and was giving her some incredible encouragement. I’m not bragging about myself but really just thinking, man why can’t I talk to myself like that? Why do we hate ourselves or love ourselves so much less than others? When people are going through a hard time we build them up but if we have a hard time (most of us anyway) we talk so negative or hate on ourselves. Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about but I really had that realization today. Again, this is all stuff that I knew about, but really didn’t know about.

I’m starting to feel the emotional side coming on. Most likely it’s because I look like I’m a freaking 6 month pregnant woman who is wobbling from side to side from ridiculous lunges and squats that made me not want to sit. I was told that this process can really break a person down and to be honest I’m hoping it does for me. I have been struggling so much in the past few years. Struggling with balance in work and life and truly just finding myself. Last night I was thinking how terrible of a mother I am. I love my children more than anything and when they need me I’m there; however, I don’t cook for them anymore, I don’t pay much attention like I used to, and I definitely take them for granted. The world isn’t going to stop while I get my shit together and my kids aren’t getting any younger. I miss doing the things I used to do for them and find myself better off in front of my iPad binging on Netflix after work, “because I earned it, I had a long day”. If I were watching this happen on, let’s say Dr.Phil, I would be appalled. I would be like, woman get up, cook your kids some food and listen to them for 10 minutes! It’s ridiculous how much I’ve changed over the years all because I have a different career that is more stressful and demanding. I need a balance but I don’t know how! We shall see if I have a breakdown like I’ve heard others have had. One other thing I noticed is that I am addicted to eating out and drinking among other things. Today was especially bad, I’m craving restaurant food and every time we drive back from our hike we pass by restaurants and fast food. My mouth was tingling with saliva, and I’m not exaggerating. I really don’t want my entire time to be all negative but today, this is what I’m going through: withdrawals.


I have arrived

It is Day 1 of my brand new journey and I have made it to Salt Lake City, Utah. I’ve never been to Utah before and flying over the city was beautiful, you could see the mountains, a large lake, plenty of land; I don’t know how large this city is but it did seem pretty huge from the sky. I will say it was quite different walking in the Salt Lake City airport as opposed to the Los Angeles airport that I’m used to. Not only was it not as busy but the people were totally different. Now, I’ve lived all over the US with different people and different cultures; however, for the past 4 years I’ve lived in California and 5 years prior to that I lived in Washington state. Needless to say I’m quite used to purple, green, pink hair, radical clothes, different styles all around.  Some people will still surprise me every now and again in California but that’s what I’m used to seeing. So arriving at the airport and seeing the vast majority of people wearing jeans and blouses or t-shirts with your typical blonde and brunette bob’s and ponytails, I was actually surprised. It literally caught me off guard. I’m NOT a radical dresser and I am very much the bland people I saw today (sorry if I am offending any of you) so to be among those just-like-me was weird..Thanks West Coast for making me feel weird among the “normal” people.

Although today is technically not the first day, it is the day I part from my family, friends, and life. I’ve been so busy trying to get everything situated for this trip that I really hadn’t stopped to think about how I’m going to be away for one whole month. One month of not seeing my girls. One month of not hanging out with my puppy, Red (I have others but she’s my favorite). One month of not working, and praise the Lord that my colleagues have stepped up to the plate to really back me on this experience I could not have done it without them. Finally, one month without really being in my environment at all.

I’m sort of nervous. Who am I kidding, I’m very nervous! Since The Biggest Loser came out years ago the idea of totally immersing yourself into a health program day in and day out has been very alluring. I have struggled with finding a balance in life that includes a regular fitness schedule. So, for the past 5 years I have put on roughly 50 pounds. I have hired personal trainers throughout that time and although they were great at their jobs, they let me off the hook way too easy. I guess I was hoping Jillian Michaels was hidden in those trainers and would put the fear into my bones making me into some kind of fitness fanatic. Sometimes, I just don’t want to make any decisions. Perhaps, I’m so busy with life and responsibility that I just want someone else to tell me what to do and get me to do it rather than having to use my own will. I know that the personal training failed because I was not in it, I was not ready to make the change. I have a business coach that asks the question, “Are you interested or are you committed?”. In ALL areas of my life lately I have only been interested and not committed. Anyhow, I digress for the past 2 years I have searched online for fat camps, health retreats, fitness resorts, even The Biggest Loser Camp. These places were outrageously expensive to me. Thousands of dollars. Sure most of them had an inexpensive 3-day detox, or 1 week reboot, etc, and these may be wonderful for those that are already fit or have a regular routine, but I needed a habit changer. I need the time to create the habit so when I get home it will be second nature to just go. I constantly searched online for an all inclusive total mind and body focus, I finally found it in Utah. I don’t know how I got here and I cannot believe tomorrow begins my body+mind transformation but there is no turning back now.

Today starts the day of refining my life and redesigning my body! 



More than a Fat Camp

I have researched health retreats and fitness camps for roughly 2 years. I literally had tabs saved on my iPad of my top 5 camps. I have been digging myself a deeper hole for years, pounds added, less homemade food, more depression, added netflix shows, online games, you name it, I dug such a dark and depressed hole for myself that I knew I needed to change but lacked the motivation to do it on my own.

As a Realtor, my money depends on me being available. I do not get paid vacations or time off and because of this I knew I had to do something locally and within my means of time allowed. I hired a personal trainer. I recognized that my health was the foundation of all of my other issues. Because I was so overweight it dominoed into a depression that was destructing every other part of my life. To change myself I needed to change my body, hence hiring a personal trainer.

I naturally get a long with everyone and I tend to make friends pretty easy so it was no surprise that my personal trainer became my friend, this was not a good thing necessarily. I would text her in the mornings that I didn’t get any sleep and just did not want to work out, easy, off the hook. I was definitely good at getting my way. I was committed for maybe a week and then slowly started to make excuses why I couldn’t go in to work out and then it finally just stopped. Same thing happened when I decided to change personal trainers. This time I thought, I’ll hire a male whom I would not become close friends with and he would be tougher on me to keep me accountable. Nope, it happened exactly like the first go-round…I do give myself credit for going a few times more to see the second trainer than the first but overall it was money wasted all because I made excuses for myself and was able to get out of it.

It was after the second trainer that I realized I have to be willing myself to make the changes or put myself in a situation where I don’t have an excuse. That is when I started searching for Fat Camps, Weight loss retreats, Biggest Loser camp, and so forth. There are so many options out there. Did I want a yoga retreat? Did I want to only juice and detox? I needed something well-rounded and I finally found it at Unite Fitness Retreat in Salt Lake City Utah. At the top of my tabs on my iPad it went. Everyday I looked at the website, and everyday, I thought this could be the answer. They offered different options from a 3 day bootcamp to a full month or more experience. I know that it takes a minimum of 21 days to create a habit and then 30-40 days to have that habit become more natural and embedded in your brain, so if I were going to any camp I would need at least a month. With my job, there was NO way I was going to be able to take off a month, plus my kids would freak out, my husband would freak out, it would be total chaos…probably wasn’t ever going to happen but I continued to look at the website everyday for a year.

I finally hit a wall. It wasn’t an overweight wall but rather I need to get the hell out of dodge before I end up on an episode of Snapped on ID kind of wall. March 30 I called Unite and reserved a spot for May 1. May is a hot month for real estate so I didn’t know how it was all going to work out but I didn’t care, I was leaving. I told my brokers and the rest of the agents in the office and they were all on board to help me. I told my husband he said, whatever you want, we will make it work…Was I in a twilight zone? I certainly felt like all of this was a bit too easy but hey it got me where I wanted to be.

May 1 hit and I was on my way to embark on a new journey, a journey that I didn’t realize at the time would indeed change my life in more ways than I ever expected. I left LAX and arrived at Salt Lake City, what I didn’t know was that when I left LAX, that me, was never coming back. And so it began….